If I have learned anything in the past decade, it would be that it is a choice and a privilege to reconnect to ourselves on a soul level - to remember our spark and why chose to return to a physical form.
Sometimes I forget how much I have shifted and grown over the past almost 42 years. It's easier to focus on where I am now rather than revisit all the pain and heartache, but then I remember that I didn't know the majority of you back then, and even if you have some idea of what I have experienced, a lot of it has been kept close to my chest, because I was so deeply hurt and, if I am being honest, embarrassed.
So, I am going to try my best to make this an abridged version, but we are going to start at square one and work our way to now. (side note - turns out we went back way earlier than I planned - so rather than do my whole life at once - this may turn into a series).
My mom always told me I was an old soul, and even though as a kid, I thought it was corny - I also knew she was right, because I held far to much pain and knowledge for someone who was so young. My father grew up in the 1930s, my mother in the 1950s to teenage parents. There was not a whole lot of nourishing or learning how to express feelings even though there was a lot of compassion and love. Both of my parents travelled a lot for work during my early years, so for the first few years of my life, we had a live in nanny.
The first one had far more impact than the second (who was more for my little brother). The first one was also my first experience with loving someone so deeply only to have them leave - and even though it was never the intention - I think that one broke my heart beyond any repair (at least anything that I as a three year old could repair), because I lost a deep soul connection (probably someone who had been my mother multiple times in my life) - causing me to lead a life where I was constantly craving that connection and to be loved that deeply.
And as I type this - something big just clicked - when I was around 3 or 4 (shortly after the nanny returned to Sweden), I was watching Garfield. He met his mother for the first time ever, they had some nice times, and then...SHE LEFT. I was inconsolable for HOURS. Truly. My dad was so worried, he questioned ever letting me watch tv again. I even have vivid memories of my dad holding me as I sobbed and sobbed on his shoulder. In hindsight, that meltdown had nothing to do with Garfield and everything to do with the nanny who left. As I type, tears are starting to fall as I truly had no idea that this was even a sadness and wound deep in my heart.
So, what do you do when you have this type of epiphany...first step is to breathe and feel. Feel what surfaces in real time. If in public, excuse yourself and head to the restroom or a quiet space. Acknowledge that version of you that was hurt. Tell them how deeply sorry you are for the loss that was experienced. Imagine giving them the biggest love filled embrace and letting them know that they are safe now, because they are a part of you and they always will be. If you want to take it a step deeper, seek out a way to do some inner child work around this wound. We have the ability to move energetically forward and backward in time. We have the power to choose to return to that time and to console or younger self in a way that only we can truly understand. ❤️