Taking a pause from doing my annual "get things out of my house" clearing to address something that I have only just realized...I spent the better part of the last 18 months - not thinking about dating. Not one bit. There were days where I would go on a dating app to create a profile purely to answer the questions to help sort what I wanted and then delete the profile and the app days later, but for the most part - it's been just me, the girls, friends, and family. It's been really important, because of all my energy has been put into healing and preparing my heart and my relationship to myself, regardless of what comes my way. It has been healing and cathartic to learn how to love myself deeply.
So in the midst of my cleaning, I thought I should dig out some old photobooth photos of an ex, so I could finally let them go and shred them. It would be the final step - its been years - but that is the one relationship that took the longest to heal from. I am completely accepting and understanding that it can never be in this lifetime, and I am genuinely good with that. I can say and have been able to say for a few years now and with a pure heart that I would love for him to find the person that fits with him and have the family that they are meant to have.
So, as I was looking at the photos, I started to feel hot tears stream down my face - turns out there was still some deep old sorrow that needed to surface, but they aren't just tears of sorrow...there is sadness that I couldn't be who I wanted to be for him, that I couldn't give him my full attention, because I was still grieving Michael so deeply. I look at these photos and I can see a moment where he wanted me so deeply and another (on a different date) where I wanted him so yet was silently asking him to wait a bit more when it was already too late.
I am so deeply grateful for these tears, because these tears mean that my heart is healing - that I am doing everything I need to do on my end to be whole when and if a new person shows up - and even if they don't show up - I still reap the benefits of living with a whole heart. And that's when the magic happens, right? Do the work, heal your soul, and show up with your entire being. ❤️
A postscript epiphany - The love that existed/exists between hI’m and I will always be, but that doesn’t mean I need to continue to hold it in my heart. It can be without me just like it can be without him - it’s us together not us individually- it is its very own.
I can let it go now. ❤️