A while back, I realized there was energy in my space that wasn’t mine nor was it my own creation. It was heavy, sad, and familiar, but it wasn’t me. It would cause me to go unconscious when meditating and it would try to poke my fears to keep me where I was. And the pain pricks to my back the past few weeks have been constant. The attempt to keep me where I was was strong. But, the vibration of it was not aligned with who I am becoming, with who I have been becoming for some time now. The energy was familiar and oddly comforting, and I was unaware how to shift it. All options were tested to no avail, and I really did not know how to let it go.
Recently, in my mediation class, the teacher suggested everyone give me a healing at the end of the class. What did I want to heal? I knew instantly. I was ready, I wanted to be done with this energy that was not mine. And, 20 minutes later, it was sorted or at least beginning to unwind from me.
The thing about healing is that one often thinks of the immediate affects, but sometimes, the healing is merely the start of the process. I may have finally been able to move out one of the things that was holding me back, but now I am faced with a whole new experience. Two days after the healing, there was this deep unfamiliar emptiness. I was sad that the familiar sadness that I had become accustomed to was no longer there. I was beginning to realize that I had been so intertwined with this energy that I wasn’t really sure who I was without it. It’s a strange feeling to be mindful, intuitive, and aware and yet not really know who you are 39 years into being you.
It is a huge mix of jumbled emotions. Relief, Gratitude, Empowerment, Excitement, but also lots of questions…without this energy, this overwhelming sadness, how will I connect to others? Who will I be? More importantly for me, what story do I tell, if not one of sadness and loss? How do I shift that narrative to be from a place of love, healing, and empowerment? And the truth is, I genuinely do not know. Only consciousness will tell with time.
The above image was done 8 years ago, a Personal Energy Mandala. It represents who I am at my core, in my purest form.