Being Ready vs. Wanting

For years, I have known what I wanted in a relationship, but there were parts of me that had to be addressed before I could begin to bring a healthy one into my orbit.

How does one go from wanting something to bringing something in?

The first step is to acknowledge what you want. The second step is to take an honest look at where you need to heal and grow in order to be able to bring that in to your life.

Here is my experience from how I went from wanting a partnership to bringing one into my life….

My whole life, I have wanted to find my person. There was just one big hitch…well, two. The first one being that I genuinely do not think that my level of self-worth allowed for what I wanted to bring in, and for those of you that read birth charts, Chiron is my house of relationships.

Looking back on it now, I think the biggest turning point for me was when an ex reached out and wanted to get back together, and I said no. I was almost 41 and that was the very first time I had ever said no to someone who I had liked. Ever. Which is nuts when you think about it, but my whole relationship story (the one I told myself) was about never being enough, never being chosen, and about making myself small to fit with whoever I was with.

After I walked away from that relationship for the final time, I decided I wasn’t going to date. I was going to buckle down, work through my own fears, insecurities, and worthiness, at least as much as possible without being in a relationship (because let’s be honest - there are certain things that can be healed without a relationship, but some pieces of you need a relationship in order to bring the other pieces that need to be healed to the surface.)

So, four years, no dating. LOTS of things coming to the surface in all aspects of my life. Finding my strength - both physically and intellectually. Learning to fall in love with myself and my life, as is. Learning how I want to be treated. Going back on dating apps - only to have two “fake” accounts match with me and deciding maybe it’s not time yet. Getting back off dating apps. Putting energy into building some of the best friendships that I have ever had. Building a business that means a great deal to me. Focusing on my health. Learning how to rely on and ask for help from friends. Learning that I don’t have to do everything on my own. Learning to forgive myself and to be kind to myself. Learning that some of my past partners were really selfish, and would still after years check in with me - but only when they were feeling low. Learning how that didn’t feel good. Learning that I wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with me too (and if they didn’t I was out)! Learning that I wanted to bring in someone who could be present with me rather than finding someone who had possibility.

Have you noticed a theme here? There was A LOT of learning!

Back in January, an old friend, who I had only just reconnected with, nudged me to get back on Hinge. It was two days before my birthday, and without much thought I did it. Had about 9 or 10 dates over the next few months. Met one person I liked, but who in hindsight was exactly what I would have gone for in the past. He ended things, which was the biggest blessing, because it allowed me to work through all my past disappointment (from him and previous relationships) that I had never allowed myself to process. It was intense, but it was also a HUGE BLESSING, because then I was almost ready.

The final step was recognizing, with the help of a dear friend, that I only wanted to bring a relationship in, because in my mind that was the only way to grow. Which also meant that I was putting so much pressure on myself and whoever was with me, because I felt like I wasn’t growing, I was dying. It was that dire to me, but if you had asked me about it, I would never have been able to verbalize this. And yes, I understand that this was a bit dramatic. But, once I understood this, I was able to see how much pressure I was putting on everyone that had ever considered being in a relationship with me. I have to be honest, I would have bailed too, because living with that kind of pressure is not sustainable.

And then, once again, with the help of said friend, I was able to readjust my understanding so that I could unwind the connection I made that relationships are the only way to grow. I chose to move forward with the awareness of growing for growth’s sake, and to find a relationship that would inspire love, joy, and make my already colorful world even more vibrant!

Here’s the nutty bit, I was so ready to bring someone in that once I had this new awareness everything shifted. The day I had this realization was the very same day that I matched with one of the kindest and loveliest humans that I have ever met, and we have been in touch ever since. And yes, it is still new, but it is really beautiful to be able to experience what I always knew existed, but never truly believed I could have a second time…which at its core is to see your person as the greatest person, and to have them feel the same way about you.

So now, I am learning with someone, which is a truly beautiful and unique experience. I am learning how to be treated with love, kindness, tenderness, and admiration. I am learning where my boundaries are and the speed at which my soul and my heart are willing to be nudged forward - just past the point of comfort (but where it still feels good - even if a little overwhelming). I am learning how to build a life with someone and what that looks like. And, eventually, I will get to learn what it is like to live with a human I am head over heals for. And none of this learning would have been possible on my own!

My point in sharing all this is that rather than focusing on the end goal focus on how you need to be loved and supported to get there (by yourself and by others). Focus on learning how to move towards alignment. Be brutally honest with yourself. If I could get to this point, I know you will be able to too! We are all so uniquely bright and powerful, we just have to remember or learn how we need to be nurtured, so that we can be ready for what comes next.

I am an Intuitive Healer based in Los Angeles. I use a variety of different energy therapies and practices to support humans as they navigate shifts and transformations. All of my sessions are done virtually. If you are interested, please reach out for a free chat to see if energy healing can support you or you can send me a dm over on Instagram. I look forward to supporting you.